


Comfort

by CheyRain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Cuddling, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Spoilers for 14x7, loss of a child, mentioned future death, no on screen character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 10:37:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16890975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheyRain/pseuds/CheyRain
Summary: Dean processes losing another child





	Comfort

Dean slams the door and sits on his bed, head in his hands. His chest hurts and he feels like he can't breathe, like he's drowning. Drowning again. He takes a deep breath to remind himself that he can, before he quickly punches the bed. He hits it again and again, then suddenly he's crying.

He's lost count of the kids he's buried or lost over the years.

Ben, Emma, Kaia. Every kid he'd gotten attached to who didn't contact him again. Who it was unsafe for him to contact.

He swore he wouldn't be a parent again after raising Sam, after watching Sam die so many times, each time a new raw pain, but he keeps getting attached.

Fuck, Sam was the one who shot Emma.

Cas was the one who erased Ben's memories. Granted, Dean did ask him to.

Kaia only died because she was protecting Claire, another of Dean's kids that he'd probably watch die.

And now Jack.

Jack was supposed to be immortal. He was supposed to be unkillable.

Dean had hated that before, when he blamed Jack for Cas dying.

It's not just kids who die, but everyone he's gotten attached to. Everyone he's tried to protect.

Sam, Bobby, Mom, Dad, Charlie, Jo, Ellen, Ash, Cas, Emma, Kaia, Anna, Benny, Crowley, Kevin, Rowena and so many others. So many faces who'd blended together into one ball of pain. Some had come back, but not enough. Not enough to stay alive.

Dean chokes down another sob when he hears a knock at the door.

"Dean?" Of course, it's Cas. When doesn't Cas come after him? "Dean, I'm going to open the door if you don't answer me."

Dean hesitates. He doesn't want Cas to see him like this but he doesn't want to be alone. His hesitation is long enough for Cas to decide to come in.

Dean can't look at him. He rolls on the bed so he is hugging a pillow and staring at the wall away from Cas.

"Oh Dean," Cas sighs, before moving towards the bed, closing the door behind him. Dean can hear his footsteps on the ground and feels the bed sink down next to him. "Dean, I'm going to hug you now. I've read that it helps humans in times of grief. Let me know if you need me to stop."

Dean still doesn't say anything. He's not sure he can speak right now. After a brief moment, he feels warm arms wrap around him. Cas pulls him against his chest, and wraps his arms tightly around him. The pressure helps, and Dean can't stop himself from turning to latch onto Cas. His arms wrap tightly around him, and he presses his face to Cas's chest. He's shaking a little as he cries.

Dean isn't sure how long they've been laying there holding each other when he pulls back and looks at Cas's face. Cas's face isn't unblemished from tears either. Dean closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Cas, reassuring himself that Cas is still there.

"I don't know how many more times I can take losing people." He finds himself admitting quietly, painfully, to Cas. His voice is rough and creaks a little.

"I told Sam that it is especially worse when it is your child."

Dean lets out a sob, "Jack isn't my child."

"He is. He's not ours biologically but he still has become our son." Dean tangles his hands in Cas's shirt. He can see that Cas took off the trench coat and suit jacket, and set them on the chair. Cas without his layers looks so much more human and vulnerable.

"I keep thinking about Emma."

"Emma?"

"My daughter."

"I didn't know you had a daughter."

"Right, I don't think we were friends when that happened. She was Amazonian. I was talking her into not killing me when Sam shot her in front of me. She looked a lot like me."

"Oh, Dean. I'm so sorry."

Dean lets out a bitter laugh, "Jack looks a lot like you."

"He looks a lot like Jimmy, and Claire." There's a long silence while both of them think of something else to say.

"Dean-" He cuts Cas off by kissing him, something that startles both of them. The kiss isn't a long one, or even the best one. When it cuts off, both of them stare at each other. After a moment, Cas kisses Dean back, and his hands come up to frame Dean's face.

Dean opens his mouth and slides his tongue into Cas's mouth. He pushes Cas onto his back and straddles his lap.

"Dean, Dean, wait." Dean pulls back and pants, staring at Cas.

"What?"

"I don't think we should do this."

Dean freezes, his insides going cold.

"Right. Of course."

"No, I mean. Dean, why did you kiss me? We were talking and not even leading up to it, and you just-" Cas takes a deep breath, "Why?"

Dean breathes, in and out, a few times before answering. "I guess I just want comfort? A lot of times humans who have been hurt or upset have sex to remember that they are alive, and to have closeness with someone else. I just want to be held and to not think anymore."

"I'll hold you, and I'll love you, but I won't have sex with you right now. Not while both of us are upset."

Dean sighs and lays back down next to Cas.

"So is that a raincheck?"

"Maybe you should sleep now." Cas says. Dean smiles slightly and closes his eyes.

Jack's not gone yet, and Cas is holding him. He feels a little safer with Cas there.


End file.
